Invictus

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903

Happy New Year, everyone!   -Chel

These Things are True- 25

25) I am evolving. I never dreamed I’d turn out anything like this- even just three months ago, much less a year ago!  In 2010, I am going to keep evolving, and keep turning into this fun, fearless, silly, and occasionally sexy person who I’m still only now getting to know.  My relationships with my friends and family have never been so satisfying, and I’m meeting and being accepted by more new people than I have ever considered speaking to.  Life is strange, but wondrous, and I can’t wait to see what this next year holds for me!

These Things are True- 24

24) I’m finding it’s a lot harder to replace a best friend, than it is to find someone that’s willing to have sex. Even more ironically, I’m finding that most people that have been out there longer than I have and have seen more of the world are also telling me that it’s also harder to find someone to MARRY, than it is to find a new best friend.

These Things are True- 23

23) I come across as terribly judgmental on some things I’m really not.  I’ve always been outspoken about a lot of things, but my point of view isn’t based so much on my moral compass so much as on overall mental health, happiness and well-being.  Anything pleasurable, when done to excess, decreases your sensitivity to it and you require more and more of it to get your fix.  Whatever your pleasure- sex, alcohol, food, etc. When you’re as sensitive to stimuli as I am, avoiding excesses isn’t just a good idea, it’s medically necessary.  This makes it SO easy for me to stay on track and enjoy easy, built-in moderation of most of my diversions and pleasures with almost no effort on my part.  I’m starting to realize now that other people just aren’t built like me and some really struggle with self-control.  It doesn’t make them bad.  It just means their battles against themselves are harder than mine.

These Things are True- 22

22) I always thought that what everyone wanted was to be loved and respected. I see now that I should also have added “understood” to that list.  I’ve been guilty of trying to explain away genuine emotions, or trying to “fix” them or take action on them.  I’ve been motivated to do this because it’s what I do.  I DO.  I see now that even though I mean well, lots of times that’s not necessary at all and occasionally counterproductive.  I don’t always need to DO.  Sometimes people just really need to feel understood, and nothing more.

These Things are True- 21

21) I’m still learning how to trust myself. I still need to trust my instincts, and learn what else to trust.  This is probably going to be a long battle, but I’m still fighting it and I’ll fight it until it’s won.  Once I can trust my judgment, THEN I can trust other people because my “internal guidance” system will be back online, and trust won’t feel so risky.

These Things are True- 20

20) Love is a behavior, not just a feeling. Love is a behavior that puts the other person’s best interests above fleeting feelings.  For example, we all have moments where we dislike someone we love.  Who hasn’t been there?  I know I STILL am!  Some people base their concept of love on the feeling.  If everyone based love this way, then love would have no value to anyone but the person WITH the feeling.  Perception of love as a feeling is a selfish act, and it serves no one but the person experiencing the infatuation.  In my opinion, there is nothing as satisfying or hard to achieve as REAL love.  It requires commitment, thinking outside the self, and occasionally yeah… some BIG sacrifices. Feelings come and go.  Real love is in the ACTION.

These Things are True- 19

19) There are personality traits of mine that I used to hold as immutable truths of who I am, that have turned out to just be nothing more than symptoms of my chronic pain condition. Nervousness around new people, crowds, loud noises?  Symptoms.  Merely symptoms.  Avoidance of potentially uncomfortable physical or emotional situations.  All just symptoms.  These new medications are slowly changing my life.  Of course, I can’t wait to embrace it fully!

These Things are True- 18

18) A person’s behaviors are the best indicators of their beliefs. I’m learning to ignore what people say, and instead go by what they do. I’ve found I can really easily be deceived, if I want to believe what they’re saying- but their actions never lie.

These Things are True- 17

17) No matter how much you care for someone, you can’t fight their battles against them-self, for them. I have made the huge mistake of trying to do this for someone who was close to me, and it backfired.  My intentions were good, but it was an impossible scenario to win.  I didn’t cause their problems, and therefore I shouldn’t have either attempted to control their problems or help them control their problems.  Of course, that means there was also no way I could cure their problems.  Because they are THEIR problems.  The other hard lesson here was learning that their problems don’t reflect on me in any way at all.  Because they are THEIR problems.